Ian & Stuart's Australian Mac 1993 September/September 93.iso/Archives/Fun, Tricks & Hacks/The Complete Lawyer Jokes! #1/Lawyer Jokes!.TXT

Text File | 1992-02-01 | 26KB | 547 lines

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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.  He asked
"Give it to me straight.  How long have I got?"  The physician
replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night.
The man then said "Call for my lawyer."  When the lawyer arrived,
the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed,
while the lawyer stood on the other.  The man then laid back and
closed his eyes.  When he remained silent for several minutes, the
physician asked what he had in mind.  The man replied "Jesus died
with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same
way."


Q:  How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
A:  His lips begin to move.


Q:  What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A:  A great place to start.


Q:  What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers
    in a Porsche?
A:  The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


Good News:    A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.  The bus was
           destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News:        There were three empty seats.


A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin
arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the
Gates of Heaven.  St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he
began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of
mistake.  "I'm much too young to die!  I'm only 35!"  St. Peter
agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly
gates, and agreed to check on his case.  When St. Peter returned, he
told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my
son.  We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours
you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."


An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a
position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.  The
engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of
questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer
excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations
before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."  The
physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the
library, and did a great deal of research.  After a consultation
with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he
also announced "Four."  The lawyer was interviewed last, and was
asked the same questions.  At the end of his interview, before
answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room,
looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the
telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it
to be?"


Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates
of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire
on the same day.  The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who
escorted him to his quarters.  The room was somewhat shabby and
small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type
establishment.  The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a
palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a
terrace overlooking the Gates.  The attorney was somewhat taken
aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these
rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."
St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're
really very bored with them.  We've never had a lawyer."


Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No.
Reply: Good!


Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Professional courtesy.


Q: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars
   and ties?
A: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.


Q: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead
   in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.


Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?


A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country
club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their
respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.  A wager
was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.  The physician
offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot,
"Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor
to do his stuff.  Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a
while, producing a number of bones.  He dragged the bones into the
country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated
human skeleton.  The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and
gave him a cookie for his efforts.  The architect was only
marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!"
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.  The dog immediately
chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a
scale model of the Taj Mahal.  The architect patted his dog and gave
him a cookie.  The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called
"Bullshit, come!"  Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their
cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members
for his fee, and went outside to play golf.


Q:  Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the
    most toxic waste dumps?
A:  New Jersey got first pick.


An attorney passed-on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all
happy with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter, who told
him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.  The
attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was
then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his
appeal could be heard.  The attorney protested that a three-year
wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.  The
lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would
be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the
attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.  When the attorney
asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was
told, "We have all of the judges."


As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable
wealth with him.  He called for the three men he trusted most - his
lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.  He told them, "I'm going to
give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.  At my funeral, I want
you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it
with me."  All three agreed to do this and were given the money.  At
the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an
envelope inside.  While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the
clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.  Brother
Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have
wanted me to do this.  The church needed a new baptistery very
badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.  I
only put $20,000 in the coffin."  The physician then said, "Well,
since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that
I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.  Smith had a
disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new
machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be
able to save another patient.  I know that Smith would have wanted
me to do that."  The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check
for the full $30,000."


The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation.  In their place,
they will use attorneys.  They have given three reasons for this
decision:
1.     There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2.     The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached
    to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3.   No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats
     won't do.


Q:  What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A:  An offer you can't understand.


Q:  What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A:  A f***ing know-it-all.


Q:  Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
A:  Because it's all bad and some is worse.


Q:  What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks
    in sand?
A:  Not enough sand.


Q:  What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A:  A doberman pinscher.


When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.  When a person
assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets
arrested, we call him a defense attorney.


A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest
pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways
meet.  They immediately began to argue with one another as to who
was at fault for the mishap.  When the snake remarked that he had
been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway,
the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.  The two
animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating
concerning the problems of being blind.  The snake said that his
greatest regret was the loss of his identity.  He had never been
able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not
know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.  The rabbit
declared that he had the same problem.  Seeing a way that they could
help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from
head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur,
long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail.  I
think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"  The rabbit was much
relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to
the snake.  After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes,
he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady
little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a
forked tongue.  I think you're a lawyer!"


A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant
city.  Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to
seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.  The farmer
welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare
beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the
farm animals.  After a short conference, the police chief agreed to
take the barn.  Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the
door of the farmhouse.  The party inside answered to find the police
chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.  There
were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when
everyone called him a pig.  The fire chief then volunteered to
exchange with the police chief.  A short time later, another knock
was heard at the door.  The fire chief complained that the cows in
the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago
fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to
have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.  The
city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the
barn.  This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when
another knock was heard at the door.  When the occupants answered
the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.


A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and
asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"


An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan
appeared before him.  The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a
proposition for you.  You can win every case you try, for the rest
of your life.  Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will
stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your
children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and
parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's
the catch?"


It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their
hands in their own pockets.


A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with
his thumb out.  A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?"  He
tells him that he is not.  The motorist drives off.  A second
motorist stops and asks, "Are you a lawyer?"  He again replies that
he is not.  The motorist drives off.  A third motorist, this time a
striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?"
The hitchhiker says that he is.  The girl tells him to get in, and
off they go.  After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the
hitchhiker exclaims, "This is really something.  I've only been a
lawyer for five minutes, and already I'm thinking about screwing
somebody!"


NEVADA 1989-1990 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON ATTORNEYS

1.    Any person with a valid Nevada hunting license may harvest
attorneys.

2.    Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls.  Currency may
not be used as bait.

3.    Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle.  If
accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the
roadside, and proceed to a car wash.

4.    It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
snowmobile, watercraft, or aircraft.  Marked police vehicles may be
used as shooting platforms.

5.    It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE,"  or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6.    It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or
Mercedes dealerships.

7.    It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself  as a reporter,
drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, physician,
bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

8.    Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species.
We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no
limit" season on the subspecies "Honest Lawyer."  That particular
variety is now extinct.  Excessive harvesting of other species could
dry up the supply of palm grease, cheap three-piece suits, and
forked tongues that efficient dressing of lawyers' carcasses yield.


A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three
questions.  "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked.  "Yes," the lawyer
replied, "and what was your third question?"


It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college
and was considering the future.  He went to his father, who had a
very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the
corner where he could observe his father's activities.  He could be
introduced to his father's clients as a clerk.  This way, he could
decide on whether or not to become a lawyer.  His father thought
this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up
immediately.
    On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was
a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who
began the conversation as follows:
    "Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch
on the east side of town.  For many years I have tended their crops
and animals, including some cows.  I have raised the cows, tended
them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief
that I was the owner of the cows.  Mr. Gonzales died and his son has
inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised
on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his.  In short, we
have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows."
    The lawyer said, "I have heard enough.  I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
    After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in.  A young,
well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.  "My name is
Gonzales.  I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For
many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the
crops and animals, including some cows.  The cows have been raised
on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me,
but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared
for them, they are his.  In short, we have a dispute over ownership
of the cows."
    "I heard enough.  I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
    After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look
of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to
me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
    "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer.  "The cows will be
ours!"


Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the
attorney charged her $100..  She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing
that it was stuck to another $100 bill.  On seeing the two bills
stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind:
"Do I tell my partner?"


A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The
client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came
back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.
The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading
"Justice has triumphed!"  The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"


A man was sent to Hell for his sins.  As he was being taken to his
place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to
a beautiful woman.  "What a ripoff," the man muttered.  "I have to
roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a
beautiful woman."  Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting
Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"


A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness.  He
declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be
interested in taking the case.


People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
either being made.


The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that
otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.


A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired
the better lawyer.


Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law
school tuition would be any special problem.  He replied that he
paid it back right after his first case.  When asked how he managed
that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."


Q:  What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A:  The rooster clucks defiance.


A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.  He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in
particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."  One of the locals spoke up
on hearing this: "Mister, watch what you say.  You're in horse
country."


The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM.  His wife became very upset,
telling him, "You're late!  You said you'd be home by 11:45!"  The
lawyer replied, "I'm right on time.  I said I'd be home by a quarter
of twelve."


Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought
that he was melting?


A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among
them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib
from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon.
Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."  The engineer
replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from
chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.  Therefore,
engineering is an older profession than medicine."  Then, the lawyer
spoke up, "Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and
confusion?"


Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching
tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.  He
entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the
town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the
town's business.  Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.  Dow
told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where
he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's
Inferno.  When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he
replied, "Very much what I see here:  All of the lawyers, gathered
in the hottest place."


A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious
to impress potential clients.  When he saw the first visitor to his
office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and
spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm
not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.
I'll have to get back to you then."  He then turned to the man who
had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."


Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their
professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.


A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously
desperate.  He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal
attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it
yet."


                    SHARKS AND LAWYERS

     "Shark" comes from the German "schurke," meaning greedy
parasite.  While no brave soul has gotten close enough to determine
where lawyers come from, logic and common sense dictate a similar
derivation.

     Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are
mad entirely of cartilage.  Lawyers, too, are spineless - as willing
to argue one side of a case as the other.  For the right price.

     Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have
well-honed sensors with which they can track the sounds of other
injured and struggling beings.  They are also equipped with fine
senses of smell that allow them to detect minute dilutions of blood
(one part blood to one million parts water) up to one-quarter mile
away.  Precisely the distance a hopeful personal injury lawyer will
run behind an ambulance to toss a business card.

     From the moment of birth, sharks' skin is tough and rough -
covered with thousands of tiny hard teeth call denticles that abrade
any passerby made of softer stuff.  Lawyers are also thick-skinned.
Easily identified by their humorlessness and abrasive personalities,
they are the bane of many social gatherings.

     A shark will swallow anything - up to half its own size - in
one gulp.  Several hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the
headless body of a knight in armor was found in a white shark's
stomach.  Inside another was more recently found a sea lion, a horse
and the body of another seven-foot-long shark.  Lawyers, too, will
swallow anything - even their pride - as increasing numbers of
lawyer hopefuls trudge to law school each year for three years of
browbeating in the hopes of financing their Porsches.

     Some sharks even prey on their own kind.  The smell and taste
of blood in the water can trigger them into an obsessed Feeding
Frenzy, in which they often eat their own bodies while twisting and
turning to get more food.  This is not unlike the Litigation Frenzy,
where lawyers are pitted against other lawyers, and ultimately
themselves, to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a fair
resolution for their clients.


A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are caught out at sea when a storm
hits, battering their small boat with sheets of rain and blasts of
wind.  Looking off the bow, they spot still more cause for pause:
the surrounding waters are thick with circling sharks.  As the storm
intensifies, it is clear that their only hope for survival is to
swim for shore for help.  The three draw straws, and the lawyer, who
gets the shortest, bravely jumps overboard.  At once, he is
approached by a toothy shark.  "Jump on my back and I'll take you
in," says the shark.  The lawyer hops on and grabs a fin.  The
doctor and priest are awestruck.  "Hey," explains the shark.  "It's
just professional courtesy."


A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the
doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his
ulcer.  The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the
lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when
I'm asked for medical advice during a social function.  Is it
acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"  The lawyer replied that
it was certainly acceptable to do so.  So, the next day, the doctor
sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill.  The lawyer also sent one to
the doctor.


Q:    What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A:    Vultures can't take their wing tips off.


            =END=
...